Many people wonder how a person can be asexual and have sex with their sexual partner. There are people who do things for their partner that many sexuals and asexuals cannot understand who will say, when asked, "I love them. I do it because I love them". It is much more than that.
We do not despise or hate the concept we observe or participate in with our partner. We simply do not understand the concept. Like one partner buying tickets to, and attending, a baseball game then enthusiastically rooting for their partner's team to share in the elation and happiness. The emotions. We know that just us being there, even though we don't understand a thing that is going on, amplifies whatever they are feeling.
Before, there may have been trepidation at hugging, squeezing and crying on a stranger's shirt when their team hits a home run and with us in attendance they can let down some of those walls we unconsciously keep up to protect ourselves emotionally. They can share the moment with someone they trust, us, and it makes it better.
Emotional intimacy is not universal to all relationships. There are those of us who do not experience any romantic feelings towards anyone. There are aromantic sexuals and asexuals, where a fuck-buddy or platonic friendship respectively, are enough. The difference between us, romantics and aromantics, is how we are connected to our partner.
Sexual romantics connect emotionally and physically while asexual romantics connect only emotionally. It is not really a need to "talk" and share "emotional secrets" like many believe. It is more like having a center of calm in our life where we can go and cuddle next to when all our emotions are in chaos. Someone to keep us grounded and when we eventually need to talk, someone who will calmly listen while all that chaos pours out until we feel calm and at peace again.
This is what many aromantics, and maybe even some romantics, do not understand. There is nothing to "fix". We are not looking to create an uncomfortable emotional anxiety, where our partner is expected to slay invisible dragons. It is all about the calm. Our port in the storm. Someone who exudes such calm it helps us remember how to re-ground ourselves. Emotional chaos being met with more emotional chaos causes emotional explosions.
When my partners are calm just a hug makes me feel energized. Most people who meditate will tell you the same thing. Yet, it is very hard to explain to the person you are hugging, why you need to hug them so much. It is during these times that my partner may become irritated and the energy changes, for lack of a better concept. His energy goes from calm to disturbed so I stay away. The best way I can describe it is being so emotionally connected to someone you pick up their emotions and body language even when they are saying something entirely different to you.
Sometimes we can feel the anger rolling off in waves and they will say "I'm fine." yet, we know differently and give them space. Other times we can feel the hurt rolling off in waves yet they say they're angry, will scream obscenities and/or do things to emotionally hurt us to keep us away. That is why a lot of romantics unknowingly stay in emotionally abusive relationships. I have been in enough to know why I have. The mixed messages. All those mixed messages we receive until our partner's emotions, the ones they refuse to deal with, are so chaotic it hurts to be around them.
I cannot speak for other romantics, sexual or asexual, I experience an emotional flare during physical intimacy. As I said before, that calm/love my partner exudes is a pleasant sensation and it is multiplied tenfold when they are looking at me with intent. All that emotion is focused and you can literally feel it. I know someone knows what I'm talking about. A sexual romantic will exclaim that the focused emotions take physical intimacy to an entirely different level. For a romantic asexual it takes our emotional intimacy to an entirely new level.
It is all about the emotion behind the intent. If the emotion is positive, even though I do not feel anything on a physical level I definitely feel it on an emotional level. If the emotion is negative, whether I am the trigger or not, that brings all walls up and I won't be emotionally there during any type of physical intimacy.
Whether you are sexual or asexual, if someone with negative intent is approaching us in a sexual way, there is never any pleasure in the act. Regardless of how our body responds to the external stimuli there is no pleasure only a feeling of violation, or a breach of trust, simply because we were touched by negative intent. When a romantic, sexual or asexual, is in a relationship with someone who is always negative and in emotional chaos there will be no sex positivity. They will be too exhausted from shielding against the emotional onslaught.
When we do finally leave, we tend to say that "Love was not enough." well love had naught to do with it. When we love it is an emotion we feel separately from our partner. We share how we feel through emotional, physical and sexual intimacy depending upon how we connect to our partner. We have no control over how our partner connects to us, how they process and express their emotions. We stayed because we created an illusion that we could control their emotional weather. We leave because we realise that they have to learn to predict their own and prepare themselves accordingly.
Love never goes away so long as there are fond memories present. We will always love the past person, regardless of who they become because the love belongs to us. We simply share it with them if they decide, and they must decide, to accept it. It is always ours and we never have to stay to keep it.
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