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Monday, September 6, 2010

Co-Existence: Asexuality and the Reproductive Urge by Jo LeGall

Many people do not understand Asexuality. Most who hear asexual immediately think celibate. Some ask if we are nuns or priests or amoebas, and if not why deny ourselves? It is assumed that either we never achieve arousal, we are suppressing it or we have some physical problem that's preventing arousal. Well. I am here to clue you in. My arousal receptors work just fine and nothing is being suppressed. That is a physical function that is being described.
There are two parts to sexuality, the way I see it. There is arousal then there are thoughts and intent. The thoughts and intent are what I see as necessary for sexual orientation, or what gender one is fascinated by and wants to engage in sexual activity with during arousal. For heterosexuals that would be the opposite sex or gender, for homosexuals that would be the same sex or gender, for bisexuals it would be both sexes and/or genders and for pansexuals that would be all gender identities, gender expressions and sexes (transsexual, intersex, gender queer, masculine and feminine).
When it comes to asexuals most do not focus on gender, sex, gender identity or gender expression during arousal. Those that do focus on a specific gender to form an alternative intimate relationship with, consider themselves hetero-romantic, homo-romantic or bi-romantic. Arousal happens and we will either seek manual relief to get on with life or let it go away on it's own. This could be your usual stuff from clothing or the every day morning wood men have no control over. To engage in sex with another person, during arousal, never crosses our minds. In the sphere of sexuality we do have a sexual preference for gender and that is; none.
Like everyone else within the other sexual orientations, asexuals are varied when it comes to the reproductive urge. Some of us want to have children. Sex positive asexuals have the option of the usual route where sperm fertilises egg to produce zygote during internal fertilisation. Others who are not sex positive may opt for in-vitro or external fertilisation, surrogacy, or adoption. Not any different from other members of society. While some asexuals are not sex positive and would prefer never to have sex, there are many women from other sexual orientations who are not reproductive positive, and would prefer never to give birth. The same goes for men as some would rather not experience parenthood.
Asexuality is very far from celibacy. Celibacy is the voluntary denial or suppression of existing sexual desire of the same, opposite or both genders during arousal. Asexuality is more like being wanting a best friend type of intimate connection and never having a desire to be a sexual partner or lover. Depending upon personality type we can be cuddlers, snugglers, huggers, kissers and sensualists. We've all had best friends who we never see in a sexual light that we have platonic yet satisfying intimate relationships with.
That is how asexuals view relationships, yet, with the number of asexuals who don't realise they are asexual and the number of openly sexual people it is quite hard to find a partner who is not sexual. I still remember repeating that phrase that well meaning people would say to me "You just have not found the right person yet." even though looking at both genders never elicited any fantasies of dragging some miscellaneous body type off to bed.
To our endless consternation, even the sexual virgins of other orientations in elementary and high school continuously vocalised about their fantasies of sex even though they had never had sex. Sex with classmates, the mall attendant, or the neighbour next door and they did so with religious zeal until you wanted to scream "Holy Hell! Just shut up about it already!" Yet, we knew that would probably get us ostracized. Walkmans were a brilliant invention back then.
Asexual is worse that being gay or bisexual for some folks, and you get the same flack as if you were bisexual. Instead of having one gender trying to change your orientation, you have both. Instead of being considered a fence sitter, you're considered to be in "Total. Freaking. Denial." or some "Closeted religious nut. Who are you saving yourself for? Jesus?" Yes, those are quotes. Even gay men and women realise that they will never find anyone of the opposite sex sexually satisfying, if ever, sexually attractive. Eventually we accept that society is wrong and the anxiety of being required to check off that box goes away.



Sex positive asexuals are able to engage in relationships with sexuals while other asexuals are more likely to form intimate friendships. Those of us who are sex positive view sex as a series of activities we engage in to pleasure our partners, not ourselves. It is a compromise we make just as some sexual men and women of other orientations will engage in sexual acts which do nothing for them; such as oral, anal, and other sexual acts or positions for their partner's enjoyment. Knowing their partner is enjoying and experiencing pleasure is the pleasurable return for them. What usually goes wrong in all types of relationships, whether sexual with asexual or sexual with sexual are misinterpretation of sexual cues.
Since asexuals are not aroused by either sex, we do not connect arousal with a separate sexual partner yet our sexual partners do. Like some sexuals who get annoyed when one partner is in the mood for sex and the other sexual partner is not, this happens more often in asexual with a sexual partner relationships. While sexual partners may go a few days without sex, asexuals can go permanently without sex and we often lose track of the last time our partner was sexually active. Communication is essential in all types of relationship and doubly so in asexuals with a sexual partner relationships.
What most sexual partners who enter relationships with a sex positive asexual partner often do not understand right away is that simply engaging in sexual acts does not change an individual's sexual orientation. An asexual will never connect arousal to another individual. A sex positive gay man, where the thought of sex with a woman does absolutely nothing to, or for him, neither disgusts or connects his arousal to the opposite sex. Whatever sheer number of women he sleeps with to fit the social norm it will never change his sexual orientation.
A gay person can be sexually aroused by the same-sex and may lose that arousal the minute someone from the opposite-sex steps in and vise versa for straights. The same goes for asexuals. We can be aroused and lose that arousal the minute another person shows up. No matter how many times we engage in sexual activity with our sexual partner we will never exact any satisfaction, fulfillment or emotional connection from the act, though we may have a more emotional connection during the cuddling time after. It can be a very hard thing, no pun intended, for a sexual partner to accept when in a relationship with an asexual. An asexual will never enjoy sex with another person and it is quite annoying when a sexual partner wants to spend 45 minutes or more trying to force an orgasm from you with the reasoning that you are really straight or gay since you are in a relationship with them.
It is absolutely ironic that both bisexuals and asexuals can form intimate relationships with either sex or gender and both can be accused of cheating due to the very natures of their separate orientations. Some sexual partners reason that since an asexual partner does not reach sexual fulfillment by their hand, since the asexual is in a relationship with them and they are a certain gender or sex then their asexual partner may be able to find sexual fulfillment with another person of either gender or sex, not realising that asexuals are sexually attracted to neither.
Asexuals go through a discovery phase where we believe we may be gay because we don't want to have sex, then think maybe we're bi if we don't want to have sex with the gender we are with, only to realise that we feel the same sexually towards both; nothing. Society automatically believes that everyone is sexually oriented, if not to anyone then someone. Society automatically believes that every human enjoys penetrative sex. That all gay men love, enjoy and particpate in anal sex and that all women of any sexual orientation enjoys vaginal sex.
They do not agree that both sexes or genders enjoy being touched with all the commercials of women slapping men for groping and men being paranoid and/or homophobic around gay men. Some asexual men, do not realise they are homo-romantic instead of gay until being immersed in what they see as the "gay lifestyle" where everything is "sex, sex, sex! Argh!" They are looking for an intimate platonic relationship within sexual realms.
Some asexuals watch porn, others like erotica, some are part of the BDSM society as traditional sex acts with a person are not always necessary within BDSM intimate relationships, others masturbate, some don't, some kiss, others don't, it's all about individuality. Personally, for me, I went through my tween puberty years aesthetically attracted to pretty people, men and women, and with no desire to form any intimate relationship with them. My teen years were spent sexually oblivious to the opposite sex and the formation of two intimate platonic relationships.
When I accepted the proposal to move from best friend to partner I did so for selfish reasons in order to forestall any more attempts to ask me out. I was, and still am, never aware when someone was flirting with me and it was becoming very old the way they would get bent out of shape because I did not have a clue and begin with the verbal abuse. No one questioned anyone with a partner. They assumed the partner was the reason I was joyfully oblivious. I guess I went the closeted route complete with asexual beard.
When my mum moved us 3000 miles away, I stayed with the established partner idea and used it as a buffer for the 5.5 years I did not see my partner physically. To many, 5.5 years without sex sounds horrific and terrible yet I absolutely enjoyed being free of any romantic entanglements. I was able to express my androgyny without the restrictions of a traditional relationship where I would be made to observe the gender roles. My mum knew that I was 3000 miles away from my partner, who as a free sexual man was cutting quite the swath through the local women, yet I was content not to date.
The boys in our apartment building and neighbourhood did not know what to make of me. They kept asking and I kept turning them down. One stood on the stairwell and said mouthed what looked like "I love you." to which I replied "No you don't. Don't bullshit me. I don't love you. You don't love me. You just want to fu*k. Let's be honest." Another asked me out every day he saw me without fail, until one day I had to use my steel toed boot to reposition his balls after he put his hands on me. Personal space, man. Personal. Space.
Mum immediately concluded that I must be gay and I spent the last year or so very, very, very annoyed with her attempts to feminize me to the point of encouraging sex. I believe I was the only college freshman who arrived on campus with a super-sized economy box of condoms my mum had bought me. Everyone else was having an abundance of sex around me so I did my part in ensuring they were safe and sold every single one of them individually for a buck. Grocery money! Yea!
My sexuality even confused me up until I was 30 and my current partner asked if I was bisexual because he noticed I don't like sex, cuddling, snuggling, kissing, or holding hands yet I do like a good hug. Maybe I'm just not good at PDA? I'm more like a roommate or best friend he says, that he has sex with occasionally. The only way to describe it would be that disturbing sensation you get when you take your index finger, place it directly in front of your face and slowly bring it forward to touch right between your eyes near the bridge of your nose. Ugh. That is how it feels when anyone sits too close to me. When they enter my personal space uninvited.
I don't fantasize about anyone. I don't have any sexual fantasies. I do however get aroused reading erotica about imaginary people. They don't exist, I can't imagine faces, or bodies, so they are more like shadowy figures. I don't feel any pressure to have sex with them, they sleep with each other and leave me out of it and I can skip over any sex scenes to continue with the story. It's more like being able to feel the emotion through the words. I don't understand what they're talking about with the sex scenes but I can understand the emotion. I form emotional connections not physical ones, so that, I can relate to. I guess I have emotional non physical fulfillment and satisfaction through erotica. Geez, that is hilarious even though I'm dead serious. Once the book is done, I can recall the emotional parts but never the sex scenes.
I mainly like the romantic ones where they break up, make up, almost lose each other, realise that sex isn't everything and is not what you build a relationship on. Maybe I feel empowered that the sexuals in the book actually get it and then there are those erotica books with, I can't call them Asexual partners because they are still sexual, yet the don't have anal/vaginal sex. I love those books. I think I bought an entire series once because there was no anal/vaginal sex. That's hard to find in erotica.
I spent half a year moderating a Gay Men forum until I finally came across the term asexual on the View of all places and that is how I found AVEN, The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. Other folks just like me in relationships like mine, or not, sharing stories. It was as if I finally let out the breath I've been holding for years. I like reading about other folks having sexual relationships but don't necessarily want one for myself. Once upon a time I would wonder "what's wrong with me?" I must be straight because I like to look at men, yet I don't want to do any of this stuff with them.
I was always disappointed after sex. Not that it did anything for me but that I would always hit auto mode while doing it. Like it was a practiced habit instead of anything spontaneous that sexual partners expect. My technique is fine as I've had years of reading to perfect it yet, technique and passion are two different things. I don't have a passion or a desire for sex and it shows. Everything I know about sexual technique I learned from erotica.
Just the way someone who needs to learn a skill they have no interest in because it is necessary. We've all learned how to use a computer program and consult a manual when you a sequence is not giving you the results you anticipated. I guess I had this idea that keeping them sexually exhausted with a variety of techniques would kill, or forestall, the participation questions of "Did you come?" Who would complain about being sexually exhausted and satisfied just because there was a lack of one sexual act?
Yet, it's kind of how many men I've spoken to describe a sexual partner who does not like oral sex but will submit to it to please their partner yet the knowledge that they are submitting instead of participating takes all the joy out of the act? They will then ask their partner, "If you don't like it, why do it?" Where their partner will reply "You like it." That is true of sex positive asexuals. Sex is a way to take care of our partner's needs. They are sexual after all and sexuals need sex. They do all that romantic stuff they aren't all that comfortable or happy with for us and it is a compromise within a relationship. There is sexual compromise in every relationship.
Sexual partners, even though they say they it does not bother them that you will never be able to share a connection on a sexual level with them, still carry hope that it could happen. Which may be why partners get orgasm tunnel vision for 45 minutes trying to prove something to themselves that's not necessary with me. That is what I find disappointing. The dismissal of who I am. The continued hope that they can change my orientation. Hell, the dismissal of my orientation in favour of me being medically ill. They think I'm fine upstairs, mentally, since I'm with a partner yet I must have a medical problem that should be checked out and cured so I'll be perfect. For them.
The comparison would be like a woman finding the man she's always wanted but he is gay, so she believes he should find a cure so she can have her Prince Charming. Get to it man! Chop, chop! Why can't people just enjoy the relationships they can have? Then you ask yourself, do I fear losing this connection so much that I would be willing to be someone else for the duration of the relationship just to keep it? Eventually, if not spontaneously, the answer will be no. We won't love the person any less but to demand we compromise ourselves is not the way to foster happiness.
Being in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I, to have the companionship I crave and they for the initial novelty at having a partner who never gets sexually jealous since I don't get what the big deal is about another pair of genitals. That song from Weeds is stuck in my head because to me genitals are all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same. Really, though what is so enticing about them? It's like asking me to get sexually excited over a lung. I'm not bashing other asexuals who do find them aesthetically appealing, I'm simply stating a fact.
I'm not a militant Asexual who thinks all sexuals should be neutered and the excessive sexuality of society should be stopped and/or censored. Don't be so surprised, I have said there are extremists in everything. What? You thought all those folks after censorship were all religious whackjobs? That's just naive. There are even members of society, including the LGBT community, who would like to curtail those they consider "breeders", which I translate to be people of all orientations who have a reproductive urge. With every thought; there's an extremist attached.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for this, introductory essay Jo. Great piece of writing and very well thought out description of the odd orientation out as it were. Robyn is a brilliant teacher for her community. You are now the voice we need to become more aware of your community! I'm so pleased you are with us here. Thank you.

    "a lung" still cracks me up! lol

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