When I first met my ex-partner I thought he was a very nice guy. I did not realised how far in the closet he was until after a month of dating he made excuse after excuse as to why I could not meet his family. I would hear from his co-workers that his parents heard that he was dating someone but did not know who and wanted to meet the girl.
So I confronted my ex-partner with this information and he broke down. I could never, ever meet his parents he said. They would disown him if we were to meet. They would never accept our relationship. I remember thinking that this was the nineties. Who the heck gets disowned anymore? His parents eventually took matters into their own hands and used their keys one day to enter the house.
It does not leave a very good impression on the man who might possibly be your future pseudo father-in-law, since I was sure I was never getting married, to be wielding a Louisville Slugger and yelling "Who the fuck are you!?" when you first meet. I smile instead of cringe at that memory because it amuses me even now. He identified himself and carefully watched me lower the bat before calmly stating "You're black." To which I replied quite confused "Yes...and?" He simply shook his head and left.
I never hid from anyone that I dated outside of my race. I am very open about it. The opinion of my neighbours hardly mattered to me since they were complete strangers. I have had my apartment in Brooklyn shot at for it. I've been threatened with rape because of my daughter, who's father is actually black even though she looks Hispanic. I've been called names, had bottles thrown at me and my apartment broken into. Yet, I am who I am and I date whomever I please. I live by no other dictate but my own and everyone else can get over it.
When my partner came home later that day, I said while toting laundry "I met your parents today." He actually screamed like a six year old, dropped his pile of laundry on the floor and ran praying up the stairs. After hiding me from them for a month his worse fears had come true. They had found out. Did I mention my partner was 30 to my 20 years? He was so sure he would be disowned and from the yelling, pleading and begging I heard from his end of the conversation, it was almost a sure thing until his father put his foot down. Yes, my partners mother wanted to disown her own son.
It's not a good thing to stand there and listen to your partner beg, plead and vow to leave you. I started packing my bags. If he wanted to please his parents that much then maybe he should stay single and closeted. I was not the first person of colour he had dated and I knew I would not be the last. I got partway to the door when his tearful conversation ended and he noticed me and my bags. I was shocked that he actually had the nerve to ask me "Where are you going?" I replied "Somewhere between "It was just a thing" and "It doesn't mean anything." I decided I'd rather be in my empty apartment than here with you."
What shocked me more was his next reply where he told me "But I told them you're pregnant" Now that was news to me. When did this happen and how was it medically possible? I was on birth control as well as using condoms. Well, I was pregnant I found out a few weeks later. Life got pretty strange after that. His sister had a christening party and he was all excited to go until she said he was welcome to come by as long as I stayed home. That was the same for birthdays and other holidays. I thought this only happened in LGBT movies.
His mother tolerated our relationship you see. It was his choice to stay with me so he could see his family on her terms. I was to stay away so our relationship did not corrupt the children into thinking it was okay. It got a little better when our son was born. His mother quickly brought a priest over to bless the house and our son.
I later found out what was really going on. Our son was the first son of the first son so our son inherited his grandfather's name and the family fortunes. My presence as his mother was tolerated until I decided I'd had enough. I never found out how I got pregnant until the day, the mother who so quickly wanted to disowned him, dutifully paid $50k to try to end my parental rights. My ex-partner purposefully got me pregnant in hopes of having a son so he could inherit. His very words.
I endured negro comments, racist questions and astonishment over our son's skin colour where his sister asked "What happened? I thought black genes were dominant. Why is the baby white?" His immediate family were so concerned with his "dirty little secret" coming out that they didn't even invite me to my own son's christening party. My partner kept saying to go with it, his family will eventually come around. It didn't matter most of the time since we never saw them.
The day I met the extended family was when my ex-partner's aunt showed up at their place of business unannounced. She took one look at me, turned to her younger sister and said "The way you were carrying on you would think she was the shade of the black crayon." Then she turned, grabbed my arm and held it up for her sister to see "She's brown." Suddenly I was invited to Thanksgiving dinner but I was never, ever, comfortable around them. They seemed to instantly forget what was said and done. I never could.
I eventually realised, after living with my ex-partner for a three more years where I mysteriously got pregnant every time I decided to leave. Just like there is such a thing as dating a same-sex partner and being a homophobe, some can date an partner of another race and still be racist. As far as their family is concerned, our children are not black. To them, I do not exist.
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