Surgery Update and the Week

By Allison Equality Woolbert-
Forty years ago, I watched the moon rise in my small bedroom at the front of my family trailer. It was late at night, the stars were shining brightly and the moon was full in the sky. I remember saying “God – Please change my body to the little girl that I am. I’ll do anything. I will listen to Mommy and Daddy all the time. I won’t be mean to my sisters and brothers. I’ll do anything you want and I know you have the power to change me.” I was met with utter silence. No voice from the sky. No miracle. No hope. Just an overwhelming sadness that I was not good enough to warrant love, nurturing and answered prayers from a god that was suppose to move mountains. I tried this for months, begging, pleading, bargaining, all to no avail. I was met with silence.

Fast forward some forty years later to this week. What does it feel like 4 days before a surgery that you have dreamed about and waited for your whole lifetime? Overly joyous! Happy as all get out! Frightening, stressful, amazing and stunning. The clock is ticking down to Friday September 10th at 7:30am, and each day brings me closer to my hopes and dreams of being whole and congruent within myself. At the same time, the hard work in the final days is also happening.

I have such an amazing team of eight wonderful women who are helping me through this amazing venture. I cannot tell you how much they mean to me. Not to mention the hundreds of individuals who have made my dream possible. Let me tell you about eight of them. Two are Reiki Masters, one is my therapist, one is my roommate, three are my closest friends, and one is a new and marvelous friend who is a gender affirming woman.

A few weeks back, we began to assemble a meeting and had a dinner to see who wanted to be involved in working through all the details necessary for surgery, and for working through any residual issues and aftercare that is required with Gender Affirmation Surgery. I cannot truly tell you all the details that go into planning a major surgery that is so very personal to me. What I can tell you is that the logistics, preparation and planning needed can be overwhelming without help. My eight friends have provided daily support for the past two weeks through walking with me, doing Reiki and hypnosis, role playing, dreaming of the future, helping get the newsletter out, getting all the supplies ready and marked, being there for the tears and the happiness, lifting things when I mis-articulated three ribs and so very much more. As I said, I can’t tell you all the details, there are just too many.

What I can tell you is this – if you are planning this surgery, find yourself a wonderful group of people who want you to transform to a butterfly, fall in love with them all, and rest in the knowledge and comfort of their gift of love that will support you and carry you through in recovery. It is overwhelmingly the best decision I ever made and I am greatly humbled by their gifts of time, talent and treasure to help me be everything I am today and in my future.

So, how have I felt over the past few days you might ask? Stressed out!!!!. Over the past two years, I’ve been doing public speaking and telling many of my life story. It’s one thing to tell your story of how family members acted on a specific occasion, and it’s an entirely different matter to see it in front of your very eyes during roll play.




This week, at the recommendation of my team, I wanted to re-pattern how my mother reacted to my dressing up around age 5. I wanted to do this prior to surgery. It was a traumatic event for me, and I wanted to provide my neuron pathways with a new positive and appropriate experience that would have been the way I wanted to be greeted in this world as my true gender identity. So, two of my friends got together for an hour, reenacted the original coming out scene, and then acted out the new loving coming out scene. I watched myself go to the mirror, stand on my tiptoes and put on makeup. Doing it just like I had watched my mommy and sisters do it. I watched as I teased my hair out just like my mommy did. Smoothing out my mothers blouse that I wore, smiling nervously at myself in the mirror. Walking down the hall to the family room where my siblings and parents were watching TV. I sat down quietly waiting to see what they would do.

I watched as my ‘mother’ screamed in horror at me, grabbed me up off the floor, drug me to the bathroom appalled at my expression of who I was. She roughly scrubbed off my face, and terrified me with threats of hell, disobedience to God, and her rage at such unacceptable sins and behavior.

It only took five minutes. It was such a little slice in the seas of time that I have lived. Yet, that 5 minute episode of fear shaped the outcome of forty years worth of hiding in the closet, fear, pain, guilt and shame.

By the end of the five minute reenactment, I was in shock, stunned with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t believe anyone would treat me, a five year old tender and gentle child with such utter hatred, fear and contempt. The friend who played my mother vanished in front of my very eyes, and my mothers voice face, body and anger flooded into my mind. I was terrified. She screamed at me that boys don’t’ wear makeup, and that I had made a complete mess of her makeup. Punishment was in the air and fear was palpable. What was she going to do?????

Back in the present, and after a few minutes when my heart stopped racing and my tears were spent, and the shock began to wear off, I realized just how truly insane that moment was. You see, it wasn’t who I was inside that was the problem. It was the utter fear, contempt and anger from an out of control individual with no love or understanding of a special and gifted child that was the real problem. No five year old should ever have to go through such trauma over who they truly are. The fear of a parent and the paranoia about gender is very damaging if handled in an angry, abusive manner.

The second loving scene by my friends was so much better! My friend became a loving and supportive mother who embraced me and wrapped her arms around me and told me how very special I was. She showed my Father how beautiful I was and I got a loving warm response as to how special I was from my Father. My siblings told me they thought it was cool and how pretty I looked. My mother glowed when she first saw my beauty, wit and happiness. She gloried in the happiness she viewed and built a positively , wonderful, loving, kind field of protection around me, helping me understand my makeup, showing me how I could do different things, and gently letting me know that she would always be there for me as I grew into myself. The love, acceptance, and recognition of my true identity was beyond words. It has been a very healing experience, and I am so grateful to my friends for listening so carefully to my life, and showing me that I don’t have to live with such evil I my life anymore. That is the gift of my support friends and the comfort I have received going to my affirmation surgery this Friday.

I could tell you of so many more events that have happened this week too! Walking, talking, singing, laughing, playing, crying, shaking, stunned into silence, hoping and dreaming as each hour passes, as each friend hugs me and holds me close, and as each minute of my life gets better and better. This is what family is. This is what love is. This is where home is for me.

So, in just a few days, my surgeon will come in and tell me they are ready, the anesthesiologist will ask me to count to five, and at the magical number two, I will sleep as Sleeping Beauty, waiting to be awakened to my loving family. Their smiles, warmth, happiness and joy will be overwhelming. Their holding me and helping me through the difficult moments of healing will bond us for the rest of our lives. For each day, I will be held in love, light and laughter by my chosen family and tribe.

If you are getting ready to go through gender affirmation surgery, I would urge you to contact me, or read about some of the prep work and aftercare ideas that will be posted in the coming days. So many details that this team of wonderful women have thoughtfully considered, and so many ideas of how to bring my life to that which I have always wanted to be.

With much thanks and gratitude to every person who has been with me on my journey. Whether through donations to Butterfly Transitions, holding my hand, encouraging me along the way or just plain keeping other people at bay and fighting for equality. So, wonder what the next 3 days are going to hold!

Allison!

     

Butterfly Transitions Fund

If you can throw in a few bucks, Allison is most of the way towards paying for her medical bills.Thanks.