There is a reason I say that sometimes I would rather have a friendship instead of a relationship. At least a friendship is honest. As friends we are not expecting anything other than a shoulder to cry on, an listening ear, comforting arms, a joke to break our sadness, and a stern talking to when we need it. Just being a friend. That kind of intimacy can be hard to come by when sex is involved.
When sex is involved some partners lose sight of the fact that we are people. The gestures are no longer honest or done of spontaneity. They are done with expectations. In a friendship I do not have to question whether my friend wants something in return. A hug is a hug, a kiss is a kiss and not always an invitation.
In friendship, my friend does not pretend to listen to me as an opening to use sex for comfort. My friend listens because they are my friend. My friend knows I need the safety of our friendship to say how I feel, to express my emotions, to process whatever it is I am going through. They do not use my confusion, my pain, my emotional state for their own gratification.
After the first few months I would already know most of my friend's life story. Their family, childhood stories, favourite things, foods, places, hopes, dreams and aspirations. I would not, after almost six years, barely know anything about my friend because they do not believe it is important for me to know.
A friend would not only remember but respect my boundaries because it would be important to our friendship and therefore my friend. My friend would never try to manipulate me into disregarding my boundaries for their own single minded pleasure. My friend would respect me more than that.
Friendship, respect, communication and trust are the foundation of any relationship. Whether platonic or romantic. What I have searched for in my romantic relationships I have only found in my platonic ones. Intimacy. As an asexual I value non-sexual intimacy. I value emotional and physical intimacy. Sexual intimacy is only one part of physical intimacy. For sexuals it can be 90% of physical intimacy, while for asexuals it can be anywhere from 50% to 0%. It depends on the asexual.
It is very, very, very hard to be sexually intimate on a long term basis with anyone, regardless of whether you are sexual or asexual, when there is no intimacy. Asexuals regard this as sex positivity and it is regarded as romance to sexuals. It is simply intimacy. That is all I have ever wanted. It is what I cannot find. I cannot remain a sex positive asexual, in a relationship with a sexual, without it. When you are able to have both a friend and a partner, you have won the lottery.
Why is non-sexual intimacy so hard for others to understand? Maybe this will help you understand:
No comments:
Post a Comment