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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Dennis Bailey's Report From The Republic of Texas: Sex in Texas!

    Don’t know about you, but I love me a good survey. ‘The Best Of This,’ ‘The Worst Of That,’ are all terrifically entertaining to me. Makes me feel better about being in the middle. Come to find out, a recent survey done in the wildly esteemed medical journal Men’s Health ranked 100 American cities on a scale chronicling, of all things, sexual activity! Woo-hoo! And I am here to tell you that 7 of the top 15 are right here in Texas. You heard me: 7! For the record, San Antonio is 15, Ft. Worth is 14, Lubbock (Lubbock?!) is 11, Houston is 10, Arlington is 7, Dallas is 2 and we here in Austin are number 1! And, damn, we couldn’t be prouder. Los Angeles? 54. New York? 73! Pitiful! Just pitiful.
   Really, you folks on the coasts need to put on some Barry White, pop a Cialis and step up to the plate, for cryin’ out loud. This unassailably scientific survey judged the cities on the basis of condom sales, birth rates, sex toy sales and STDs. Putting aside the nagging question that if condom sales were so high, why were the birth rates and STDs as well, we in the state Capital are celebrating our victory the only way we know how: by downing a shot of Jack Daniel’s, grabbing a bottle of lube and diving into the Percales with someone we just met in a bar on Sixth Street.
   True, the Lone Star State has known similar pop culture renown before – cities here have also enthusiastically embraced the sobriquets of “Fattest” and “Drunkest.” But this “Sexest” thing is way cool. And really, given the history of Texas, so entirely unlikely. I mean, sodomy was a criminal offense as recently as 1993, when the world watched as the Supreme Court in Lawrence v. Texas made our cherished antiquated sex laws moot. And unconstitutional. Upon the ruling, some of the local citizens did a little dance. And others – well, they did not.
   The newly elected super-majority of Republicans now here in the State House are among the group that choose to be petulant wallflowers. And if they have their prudish way, we will have to forfeit our well-earned lascivious laurels, even in Lubbock. Because the 2010 Republican platform includes, among other giant-steps backward, stances to reinstate the sodomy laws and to rule gay marriage a felony. Seeing as how gay marriage is not allowed here as it is, it seems overkill to attach a felony to it, but we like to be thorough in Texas. The platform, in part states clearly:

   We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country founders, and shared by the majority of Texans…We are opposed to any granting of special legal entitlements, refuse to recognize, or grant special privileges including, but not limited to: marriage between persons of the same sex (regardless of state origin), custody of children by homosexuals, homosexual partner insurance or retirement benefits. 

SexLoveTexas    Wow. I mean, could that manifesto be any more, well…prissy? It all but demands hands on hips and a petulant stamping of feet. And speaking of petulant and prissy, that brings us to Representative Warren Chisum (R-Pampa) who has been in the State House since 1989 and is angling – God help us - to be the next Speaker of the House. Part Napoleon, part Mayor of Munchkin City with a dash of the intellectual acumen of Michele Bachman, Mr. Chisum has a colorful and well-earned political history of sustained cuckoo-ness. Born on the 4th of July and married to a woman named Omega, the alpha Chisum is a member and former head of the Texas Conservative Coalition, a consortium of House members who are just to the right of Attila the Hun. He became rightly infamous with his proclamation that homosexuals were criminals. But it turns out, to Mr. Chisum, anyone who engages in any kind of sex, straight or gay, that is not missionary-inclined with background gospel music featuring Sandy Patty is entirely unacceptable. And possibly Communistic.
To experience a true depiction of the wiggy wackiness of Warren and to truly see how far we have come and how far the Republicans want to go one only needs to view a brilliant piece of historic film narrated by the irrepressible and lamentably deceased Molly Ivins. Molly would have been one of the lead dancers, center stage, celebrating our enviable sex ranking. Watch her take on the mousey man manning the purity punchbowl.
   Watch here to be totally entertained and appalled. Texas-style. (Maybe not safe for office viewing)

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