This morning we catch up with our friends the 3B's, aka as Brian, Benjamin and Bryce. For those of you unfamiliar with the 3B's story here at WGLB, we'll rehash a bit before jumping into the exciting new lives they currently find themselves settling into and the exciting new endeavor Brian is diving into to help perspective new parents as they embark on the journey he has navigated so adeptly these past few years. Brian is a good friend, although we've only met/dated once, but he is every bit the Superhero Dad these previous two diaries portray him to be. I'm sure He and the Boys will inspire you if not capture your hearts the way they have mine. The following chapters detailing Brian's journey into single fatherhood were originally posted on the website/community blog ProudParenting. Brian is in the process of setting up his own website where he will continue his work and promote his new foundation- We Hear The Children.
08/09/2007 - 6:09pm
There are only two things I ever wanted to be in this life, a husband and a father. Now, imagine watching men run for the next county when you tell them. To shorten a very long story, I decided to become a father since becoming a husband was proving much more difficult. I was beginning to think I had a better chance at pregnancy. So after a period of interviews and navigation through the complex legal and emotional process I got a call on the day before Thanksgiving 2004, telling me that there was a little boy who was two years old. So begins the saga.
In the initial visit with my son, I witnessed a child who was bright, smiled, yelled, stomped his feet and screamed. It was not that he could not talk, he would not talk. He had his own language, created in his mind to get his needs satisfied as a result of them not being met prior. I was told that he could only say seven words, all in Spanish. I went to a corner on this initial visit and sat there with a book and a stuffed bear and waited. Ever so slowly, he approached me, would touch me and run away and giggle. Eventually, he sat in my lap and looked at me for a while, with his social worker, the foster mother and my adoption worker looking on, he put his hand on my face and said “daddy”. This was not one of the words that he knew and it was not in Spanish... so it began.
We finalized the adoption in July of 2005, after paternity leave, teaching him to speak, potty training (I would gladly take any bar exam again to never have to potty train again) where he would sit on the toilet and sing and practice his words when he thought I was out of ear shot. I sat around the corner from the bathroom and cried as I listened to his words, imagination and person come alive. Now, we are deep in the threes and he talks constantly, questions everything and wakes each morning with "Love you Daddy” and leaves me each night with what we call a “forever” hug, as he knows I will be his daddy forever. Every night my son picks a book to read, recently he asked for a book with a mommy in it. You are never quite prepared to answer certain questions and despite all my best efforts to be as prepared as possible to counter the mind of a toddler, I am inevitably stumped at times.
We found a book with a mommy in it and climbed into his big boy bed to read. Once in bed, he asked me if he would have a mommy (the lump in my throat and holding back tears) I started that there are families out there who have mommies, daddies, and all various combinations but a family is about all the people who love you. My son started to recite all of the people who are in and who touch both his and my life... the list is rather long but I let him go on. He finished with “all people”, “yes, all people” I said, “Love me” he said, “My family” he stated. I held my son against my chest and he gave me a forever hug, I cried as I heard “love you daddy”.
I am sure this is not the last time I will be asked about this issue, but never did I think I would be asked about it at three. Knowing my son, had I not satisfied his need for an answer he would have pressed me for a better answer. However, in his mind his family is all the people who love him. There is much to be learned from children, I learn daily and for that I am thankful.
08/09/2007 - 6:12pm
Ok, I am crazy. I am in the process of adopting another son. Adopting Benjamin was about me and wanting to be a father. Adopting his brother is about wanting him to have a family and a sibling. So at this juncture I am immersed in the process again and riding the roller coaster associated with expecting another child. Home construction, home-studies, a second car, interviewing au pairs, new schools, and the list is endless but at least I have learned some things to make this time easier.
Sometimes I think this parenting thing is more creative thought than anything else and you will do things that you never thought you would and say certain things you “VOWED” you would never say. I remember calling my mother feeling like a complete hypocrite after my son learned the word “WHY”. The incessant questioning led daddy to a need for a martini and a call to mom. “I said it” were my first words to her... she laughed. He kept asking me “why” and finally, it came... ”Because I said so that’s why.”
I also vowed I would never lie or deceive my son, until we hit the monster nightmare phase of toddler hood. You might be amazed to know that statistically nightmares take place between the hours of 3 and 6 a.m. My son was a virtual statistical prodigy. Imagine being awoken at 4 a.m. for a period of 3 weeks while your child SCREAMS that there are monsters in the room. I bought a book. The books say this is a direct result of a 3 year old imagination turning on and the internal struggle that results from the need to separate from the parent and conflict as a result of still needing their parent. The book stinks, I wanted to club the author with the book or at the very least make her sleep here for a month. Despite all the consoling in the world and the fact that there were no monsters; I get from him, Elmo? “Elmo is a good monster”, I replied ”good people and bad people” he stated, I was beginning to follow his logic in my sleep deprived state.
I guess I was teaching him something.
I told him we were going to the magic store (Wal-Mart), so he could pick out a magic light (nightlight of his choosing). We got one that “magically” comes on when it gets dark. I told him that the magic light would keep monsters away. This worked for 3 nights, now we have bigger monsters. So, I created the story of Monk. My grandmother had a statue of a monk that was a family heirloom, one night I took monk and told Ben the story of Monk and how only little boys could talk to him but only Daddy could hear him. I told him that every night he needed to say good night to Monk and to say “keep me safe”. He does this nightly and magically we are getting some sleep, never say never.
Toddlers are also neurotic, once they learn certain words you never seem to get them off them. From the time my son learned BOO-BOO and ITCHY, I think I have gone through more tubes of aquaphor than any man on the planet. However, taken in the time frame of nightmares a simple itch can lead to an hour of wrangling and arguing with a toddler who has developed a psychosomatic illness that is bound to put daddy in the booby hatch. The best plan is a counter attack. On one particular evening, my son developed an incurable itch which prevented him from going to sleep. No amount of cream solved the issue... UGH! The kid was like a greased pig at a county fair, I was afraid to pick him up for fear I would drop him. None the less, the itch would not abate, neither would the clinging and crying all to avoid the inevitable bedtime. So, I reached into the parental bag of tricks. I lied.
Did you know when you become a daddy you get a magic pair of socks? They have to be red, (who would wear red sox anyway, they do not match any of his clothes, what can I say I am still gay after all) So, I told him they were magic red sox. When daddy puts the magic red sox on before bed, they will work all night long to cure any ill, and in the morning you will be all better. Every time we put them on the tears subside and in the morning I get, a hug and am told we are all better. I want my own pair.
My house has been under construction in preparation for the new arrival. I am thankful it is almost done. I am staring at the wall in my kitchen which contains the 40th birthday present I got for myself. Every one wanted to throw a pity party when I turned 40, I felt as though I was just hitting my stride. I have a favorite artist, Donna Estabrooks, in whose paintings I always took comfort and a message. There are three things I had her paint.
First, a painting about Ben, who has always been my wish; If you ask him who he is he will tell you his name and add I am “daddy’s wish”. Second, I had her paint one about his brother, to be named Bryce, who is my dream. I never could have dreamt the joy I get from being a father and his name came to me in a dream. Bryce means son of a noble man. Third, I had her paint my hope, that someday I will find another to share in all of this. The paintings are individual, so I can give each child their painting at a special time in their life to know how special they are. However, I shall never give up hope. The three paintings fit together and shall always remain interconnected and committed to one another, like family, each having a separate unique value when removed from the whole.
So are my ramblings as my son tells me his pasta is not cooked correctly (My next entry will be how to tell that a child was raised by a gay man, for instance at 4 they only want pasta al dente, know about art and sculpture and have traveled a bit to name a few things) In the interim, I wait for my new son and enjoy the adventures in parenting.
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02/11/2008 - 6:50am
Ok, so I am getting to the point where this is almost becoming a monthly occurrence to get something posted. As life is speeding along at a rapid pace; I feel like I am paddling as fast as I can. However, is it ever fast enough?
The January Blues- January was the supposed month that we would be done with Bryce’s adoption, on the 7th. Once again another snag in this quagmire we are in as I struggle to get out of it. We proceed to court on the 11th of this month to a full trial and I am hopeful we will prevail with no issues. Frankly, I am just plain tired and I need this to be over and done with and close the door on this part. I did learn from Benjamin’s adoption that no matter what, you do not relax until you walk out the door after the gavel comes down and you take back your life and settle into a routine of no social workers, watchers, court dates, parents who pop up and then disappear into the night again. I will just be thankful when it is over. I have made it this far now if I can hang in there until the end of March... I can schedule a nervous break down then!
January was also the month of personal roller coasters. Business travel used to be fun, now it is not fun it is EXPENSIVE. I recently had to travel to Toronto to deliver a training program that was developed. I was so excited to go, until I was running around the night before with sick kids, packing like a maniac and writing notes. The usual cool calm collected dad was a disaster in the making. I had to juggle day care, after care, cold care, limos, Boss care, making sure all the materials got there. The benefit of flying without kids is that you can sleep on the flight and then there is room service, there is no fight for the remote control and you are not subjected to Sponge Bob. I actually got to sleep by myself until 6:30 one morning. I was almost late for breakfast with my boss and other colleagues but it was worth it. Whatever rest I got was quickly over as soon as I walked in the door and again tried to jump on the raft that is my life, rushing
along this uncharted river of intentional fatherhood.
The kids are doing fine. I had a parent teacher meeting about Ben, he continues to progress and excel in school. However, he had the unfortunate incident of running into his first bigot in kindergarten. Man kids are mean. This little girl Julia, told Ben that he had a mommy and a daddy and they did not want him so they gave him away that is why he is adopted. Needless to say my heart broke hearing that and thankfully it was repairable as I had always prepared for this despite not thinking it was going to be from some little brat whose parents ought to teach their kid kindness. Ben is fine, albeit acting out a bit. However he is five and he knows everything.
Bryce turns 2 in a week and he is coming along fine. He is much happier as he really begins to learn to talk and express himself. Today is the trial date and I could not sleep well. I just want it to be over. I would love to be in the courtroom to see what transpires and know what is happening. I am hopeful that his bio mom is still on the run to try to avoid the multiple warrants out for her arrest. Bryce is safe and happy and I just want closure today. Despite the fact that there is a period for appellate review, I just want it over as I know the likelihood of it going up on appeal is almost impossible. However, it is always there and until it passes and we are able to go into court and have this adjudicated, I keep paddling.
How am I doing? I am paddling. I have actually been dating. I did meet a man who has all the qualities I could want in a companion and boyfriend. He manages to deal well with the kids and places them first. He managed to survive a weekend of sick kids, sick dogs and did not run for the hills. I really care for him... he has been gone for three weeks and returns home this evening. I can tell through the phone and e mail exchanges that something has changed. I think perhaps the phenomena I call “Merry-Go-Round” has set in. What I mean by that is that there are men who want children (or at least they think so) and they want to buy a ticket to try. The reality is that the ride is fun for a while and then there is the desire to get off. What they do not realize is that those of us who bought a lifetime pass, jump on and off and back on again repeatedly. It is not bad, it is what I have chosen and I have learned to get off and return to the ride and
jump right back on. The simple fact is that as an intentional father you must return to the ride. As a ticket holder, you have the choice to not return as you weigh all you will give up if you were to stay. Something tells me that the price of a lifetime ticket may be to much for him. Now I may be surprised, but I will have to wait and see if the allure of “Gay Life” is greater, for most it is. I can not change that and I will go on, like I always do. However, it was nice to have a taste of what could be and in the end be satisfied if that taste is all there is, as a steady diet of instability is not in my best interest or that of the kids.
Well, that is it. It is almost 6 a.m. and the merry go round is about to start this morning. I have bus duty today and have to get the kids off and myself ready for work. In the interim I thank god my kids are alright and the river is calm for the most part right now, and the laundry is done!
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11/29/2008 - 5:52pm
It has been a wild ride since I last wrote anything substantive. The boys are upstairs watching a movie and I am in the living room trying to think all of what is running through my mind as I am cooking a turkey. We were at my parents for Thanksgiving but I cannot live without leftovers and soup and Turkey pot pies so the boys and I are having our own dinner today. So, we finalized Bryce’s adoption in May and that was all said and done. I launched into the summer with 2 kids and new central air conditioning. Well the installers screwed up the installation and as a result that unbeknownst to us there was Mold growing and proliferating through the house.
We were all pretty sick through May, June but we had no idea why. My mother’s health continued to deteriorate and still does to present. The kids lost their Nano (another grandfather from my “Chosen” family and were hit pretty hard with that. All I have been able to do is navigate water with them that is uncharted. However, the preparation was worth it and they are doing ok with it and appear to be doing ok with my mother’s continued state of decline. This holiday led her to the ICU and her checking out against medical orders to be with the kids. It is her life and she needs to choose to live it how she sees fit and all I can do is be a support to her and transition my kids through it. The mold situation continued to escalate and when we returned home from our July vacation we closed up the house and switched on the central air. Little did we know that we were living in a toxic environment cause by the negligence of others.
We all became ill. Ben with terrible persistent nose bleeds Bryce and I with upper respiratory issues accompanied by rashes, conjunctivitis and breathing issues. It was not until the 28th of July that I discovered the mold. After consultation with specialists and others, I packed up the kids and left my home not knowing if I would or when we would return. We left first for Wisconsin for a family fishing holiday. It was spectacular. We enjoyed the time together and we all healed. We were all better within hours of leaving the house. This proved we could not come home. Upon our return we moved in with the wonderful man I was dating and proceeded to try to normalize life. It was great for the kids but most assuredly a disaster for our relationship. I discovered my true parental instinct and was running constantly to keep the boys in their normal routine. I poured my life savings into this house and sit on the brink of financial disaster but we made it
home in October.
The house not completely ready and torn apart, we lived absent heat and furniture. However, the boys were happy. I was just anxious, waiting for the next bomb to drop. The economic situation did not help with mass layoffs at my company and more to come. All the while my only focus is and was the kids. Like a bear I am, ensuring their safety to my own detriment and their happiness is paramount. I discovered that my life is complete with those kids and that you realize what you are made of when you are in hot water (attribution to Eleanor Roosevelt).
I realized that a home is filled with more than furnishings and other things. Despite the tears over lost stuffed animals and other things we have returned to a tonic state. Despite repeated trips to Children’s Hospital in Boston and scary moments like the thought there was a cardiac effect on Bryce as a result of the mold and the creeping doubt about if you are doing the right thing, parental instinct is an amazing thing. Remarkably, we are all fine, the house is getting somewhat restored and I have learned that even if I do have to throw out all the old (which I basically did) I can begin a new and my kids will be fine as long as I am fine, or at least never let them see you sweat!!!
Ben is now almost half done with first grade and he is a remarkable and loving little boy and I am very proud of him as a person. I respect my son. Bryce is growing in leaps and bounds on a daily basis and his personality has emerged in full force along with all of the things about a three year old that makes me cry for a martini and a night off. Christmas is fast approaching and so is the new year which I hope is better than this one, but this is the year that I became a dad again so that far outweighs all the tragedy that befell us.
I also know I can make it through, alone if necessary and the boys and I will be fine. I would rather not proceed that way but as much as I strive for balance there are times that there is no balance and life is weighted totally to the children and that is the way it is... so someone out there has to understand that what few precious moments we get alone as parents, whoever we share those precious moments with should or has to realize just how special those moments are.
As we were wrapping up this first installment of the 3B's story, Brian got sidetracked by a serious and life altering event, the ramifications of which are still playing out both in their home lives and in the courts. Literally within hours of my putting the finishing touches on this first installment of the 3B's diary I received word from Brian, that he was rushing the boys to the hospital, with a new bout of very serious, mold related illness. So what had started as an inspirational story with a happy ending had suddenly been turned upside down...
to be continued in part 2.
Thanks and Welcome Brian. Make yourself at home and you are now our go-to guy on GLBT adoption issues. Please keep us informed. And of course keep us up to date on the 3B's continuing story! The boys must be growing by leaps and bounds! When I've published the part two diary here next week I hope you'll step in and bring us latest news from Maine.
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