Fag Stags :: Straight guys, Gay buddies

By Padraic Maroney -

(upper) Mindi Cohn (center, top)
with the cast of Violet Tendencies;
(lower) Marcus Patrick in another
scene from Violet Tendencies 

The new movie Violet Tendencies centers around a fag hag named Violet (played by Mindi Cohn of Different Strokes-fame) who seeks a nice straight guy with whom she can settle down and achieve her happily ever after. But as one of her straight co-workers tells her, how is she to meet a straight guy when she only hangs out with her gays?

What her co-worker isn’t aware of, however, is that guys just like Violet are out there. In the film, these men are referred to as fag stags and are essentially the straight male equivalent of a fag hag (or as some prefer to be called, fruit fly).

Even in the film, written by Jesse Archer and currently playing in New York theaters, it’s debated whether fag stags truly exist or if they belong in the fictional category with Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster. But fag stags do exist and they are part of a larger trend that has been evolving over the year quietly. You may not hear guys regularly come out as an official stag, they have no problem being friends with their gay counterparts and even going along for a night out at the gay bars. The times, they are a-changing.

Crossing the line

The term fag stag or fag’s stag are relatively new terms in the community’s vernacular. The female version, fag hag, is a long known and accepted term - even if some of the women who it is applied to don’t approve of the label. But the idea of a woman being a fag hag is easier digested for many people as there has been a long established history between straight women and gay men.

However, there has long been a divide when it came to straight men universally forming bonds with their gay counterparts. Jason Crook, owner of Philadelphia’s Home and Garden (PHAG) shop witnessed this while attending college in the 90s.

A couple of friends who are single, eternally single, were told they are single because they spend too much time hanging out with gay guys," explained Crook of how the stigma has played out in the past. "But my close straight friends find it more fun than being segregated."

As portrayed in the movie, the fag stag is a man who is straight but is primarily friends with gay men and enjoys going to gay bars and other non-sexual "gay" activities. Whereas many fag hags (or fruit flies) are more willing to wave their flag loud and proud, the stags are much more hidden in the culture and tend to blend in with their surroundings.

An added bonus

The stags may not necessarily be out and proud with the term, but there are plenty of straight men who are more than happy to stand up and head out to the gay bar with their gay friends. Years ago it might have led others to question the orientation of the heterosexual guys when tagging along for a gay boy’s night out. But as the younger generation continues to come of age, more and more straight guys don’t have a problem going out to a gay club.

Violet Tendencies director Casper Andreas says there’s an added bonus for straight guys to tag along to the gay bar. While the guys might be gay, many of the women aren’t; making it an ideal locale to pick up a woman.

"It’s the best place to pick up women. There are always women there and not much competition," the director said with a laugh.

While Andreas laughs about the idea of a stag going to pick up women at a gay bar, it is actually one of the biggest benefits the straights guys get out of the friendship. Going to a gay bar with their friends, the stag is able to meet women in a situation where it doesn’t feel like as much of meat market for the women.

For the gay guys, hanging with straight guys has advantages as well.

"Straight guys are pretty basic and pretty simple," said Tim, a gay artist from New York, for the Naked City column in a 2003 New York magazine article. "They’re kind of like dogs," he elaborated. "They tend to be straightforward, whereas gay guys can be kind of needy and dramatic. I can be comfortable with both. It just depends on what I’m in the mood for."

Comfort level

There are two obstacles to overcome when it comes to achieving and maintaining a meaningful relationship between a straight man and gay guy. According to Matthew Kennedy, who teaches in the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Studies department at City College of San Francisco, both men have to be comfortable with themselves.

"The gay man may lust after a straight guy. The straight man may be insecure in his own sexuality," said Kennedy. "Both folks need to be comfortable enough in the relationship to get past that and enjoy what being a friend means."

One simple way to combat these problems is for both men to be confident and comfortable with themselves. If they are insecure in any way about the relationship or their own sexuality it will hinder the progress of the friendship.

"Security with sexuality really helps. Showing that you are confident with whatever you are will really help to draw clear lines with it comes to the difference between a sexual relationship and a regular friendship. It helps to not let things get misconstrued," said Mike Swartwood, 24, of Charlotte, North Carolina. "If a straight guy isn’t as comfortable with his sexuality, I think he would have a harder time friending a gay guy. It would bring connotation to him and his ambiguous identity."

Kennedy agrees and goes a step further, saying that in order for the friendship to work at all the men have to be focused on being friends and not on their sexuality.

"Both folks need to be comfortable in the relationship and get past that to enjoying what it’s like to be friends," Kennedy said. "They should do things because they like each other."

While true stags haven’t a problem going out in the gayborhood, not all friendships are created equal. Knowing what your friends are willing to do and what the limits are, as they should with you, will also help to keep things harmonious.

"Honestly I try not to drag my straight guy friends to gay clubs because I know they will be uncomfortable," explained Swartwood. "When you walk into a gay club, you are gay until proven straight if you ask me. I would not want to put my friends in a situation where they are likely to get offended. I really don’t mind going to straight clubs with them, because for one thing, I have a lot in common with my straight friends as well. I will say that I have had straight friends come to the gay clubs with me before though. If they are close enough friends, they will do whatever out of friendship."

An ego boost

From his own observations, Kennedy believes that the signs are pointing in a positive direction with more people being blind to sexual orientation. He singles out the younger generation leading the way with moving past social stigmas that have previously put up barriers and road blocks. Some of the stags are comfortable enough that they even engage in some innocent flirting when they are out at the gay bar.

Crash Anova, a personal trainer who lives in San Francisco, is heterosexual, but has a lot of clients and friends who are gay. While he doesn’t describe himself as a stag, Crash is comfortable in the environment - even having previously worked as a bartender in gay bars. He says if guys hit on him, it’s not a problem - in fact it’s actually flattering.

"In any situation it feels good to feel sought after," the personal trainer said about his experiences. He admits to even lightly flirting back. "I’m just being who I am. Flirting is fun; it can be done without leading them on."

Even if they aren’t flirting, for the straight guy getting attention, regardless where it comes from, is going to feed their ego. It’s an idea that many of the men interviewed for the article agreed upon; even if the flirting is just friendly and not meant as necessarily sexually it will be a positive ego boost for the straight men.

"They do get noticed and do get attention," Crook explained. "The attention is a positive thing. It still feeds the ego."

On the other hand, however, Andreas does admit that sometimes guys will be mistaken as gay no matter what. He recently saw that scenario play out while in South Africa. Recalls the director, a cute guy who everyone assumed was gay despite the fact he spent the entire night making out with a woman.

"There’s always going to be someone whispering about him," Andreas said. "Though people will not even bother whispering if it (straight men hanging with gay men) becomes more common."

What’s in a name?

An aspect that can’t be ignored in the evolution of this relationship is the ongoing assimilation of gays into mainstream culture. With more celebrities coming out every year and a challenging the pre-conceived notion of what a gay man looks or acts like, it is harder for an uninitiated person to maintain an outdated vision of what a gay man should be like. Viewing characters on television is another way to expand the way gay people are viewed in the world. As Kennedy explained, if these characters and personalities are in people’s homes every week it’s harder to see them as "an exotic species to be feared."

More succinctly, Kennedy puts it as "You can’t hate the idea of being gay if your neighbor is gay and you like him as a person."

One thing that has led to the breakdown of the social stigma that might have kept hetero and homosexual men from each other in the past is the fear of being labeled. As time has gone on though, labels aren’t as important to people anymore - which some say has led, in part, to the ongoing phenomena of assimilation.

"Labels aren’t as important to people in their early twenties [as they were] 10 years ago," explained Andreas.

Part of assimilation is also how much earlier some teens come out, which gives their straight friends the opportunity to get to know someone who is gay at a much earlier age than in previous generations.

"With when I came out and who I was friends with, it was not an issue. Had I come out earlier, it could have been," said Swartwood, who came out in college. "My straight friends already had gay friends before me, and they will have gay friends after me."

As with any set of friends, people are going to seek out others who have similar, shared experiences to bond with. In the past, being gay was a bond that helped to forge friendships. But now being gay isn’t as much of an identifier as just a part of the package for many men.

While it seems that many gay men are still closest with a group of other gay men, there is more of a willingness from both gay men and their straight counterparts to venture out of their comfort zones. But unlike their female counterparts, the stags are less likely to accept the term "fag stag." Of the men that were interviewed and questioned about the article, not many - gay or straight - thought that the term was one that would sit well with the person being labeled. But as some of the guys said, labels don’t matter as much as the actions; so a duck by any other name is still a duck.

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